I apologize for the language used, coz this is gonna be something very personal and direct. and my ibook keybord doesn't cater chinese typing, coz i'm shit...
ok back to the headline. Dad told me he's leaving home, I told him the biggest secret of my life, this is an equilibrium.
I have suddenly understood everything, at the same time, nothing.
fact 1.
everyone's living a continguous, very complicated and wicked life, and this is for sure. If i am to listen to your story of life, there must be things i'd hurl against you. Because we are all peculiar.
from here, there's nothing about a person's life we should envy, because the price he paid to live the life he is leading is heavier than anything you could bear. So don't envy ginus, don't be jealous with handsomes.
they paid for it, there's no free lunch.
fact 2.
i said bravery is the currency of love. i believed in it. but today i knew what i anticipated from it was distorted and incapacious. I once thought that to be very open-minded but genuine about love will earn you a world of exhilarating excitments, that when you're able to admit the what you love and be upright with the way you love, that's audacious.
but that's meekly true, only if you're to be a bull ... balderdash i mean, frankly.
the bravery, is the ability to take up responsibility. it is the foremost bothersome act of life, the unbearable of being. The ability to oath in front of whom you love to be responsible to one, and to hold this until the end. If this couldn't be transacted, the courage to hold on to what would lie ahead and live the rest of the life this choice would lead you, possibly under disguise and aversion.
this is the currency of love. the true pattern of BRAVERY. neither heroic, it is one step forward from the self.
these 2 facts strung out of the blues for me, since my dad lost his fidelity, i have been thinking of not marrying anyone in my life, not that I hate the idea, but I'm not sure about my persistence in holding onto a responsiblity and take it til the end. I have no faith.
I have never seen a successful couple throughout my life. my grany, pathetically out; my aunts, ruthlessly out; my father, fuckingly out. There has to be something different. maybe a life as a homosexual would teach me something different.
viscious cycle.
how much does a marriage cost? an elephant? a deaf poet? or simply bravery?
how long are we suppose to hold each other's hand? The dangerous thread of being is the departure to desire and selfishness.
Are we really living for each other? if so how could promises be so fragile and doomed?
how long are we expecting from a commitment? a lifetime? are we being mean and stingy to talk about a lifetime?
how much is a lifetime? how long is forever? what about a next time lover?
are you generous enough to surrender a lifetime for a commitment?
when do we learn? when would we learn?
this is a lesson for every lover. they should all ask these questions.
i'll ask everytime. Because the suffering in me is engulfing my conscious from inside out.
this is the currency of love. Dad, i love you. i used to.
there's too much misunderstood, too much unaccomplished. those could be rectified by a kiss can never be mend with anything now. a permenant scar, etching uglyly on my skin, a recipocal of my gruesome childhood. today i understand how weak a person could be, how delicate we are, we will be.
i miss my youth, i miss mother, i miss my exes, i miss people whom i loved and who loved me, i'm lonely. this is the abssy where nobody could help me out. I start to marvel at the way i act, i used to be so tough, so ecstatic and ambitious. there seem to be a hallow in me. nothingness, so vulgar i have to veil it under my skin. i thought that was brave, and i was brilliant.
i'm petrified. sorry.
